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My daughter, like most people, has a phone. Connection matters to everyone. This includes people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Obviously. But we have rules. Not because we’re control freaks, but because phones are loud and demanding, and quietly taking over our lives.
Our Rules Include:
No texting before school.
No texting during school (except at lunch).
Bus ride home? Go for it.
No texting during dinner or after 8 p.m.
And a newer rule, well, more of a lesson in text etiquette, is no “text bombing”, aka rapid-fire messages before someone even has a chance to reply. Because waking up to a phone exploding in a cacophony of alarm bells at 6 a.m. isn’t endearing, it’s exhausting.
Most rapid-fire texting isn’t malicious. It’s usually excitement, boredom, or loneliness. It’s often a craving for connection. And there can also be impulse control issues at play. Avery and her peers are young adults who are learning social skills in real time, and boundaries don’t come naturally to everyone.
But here’s the hard part we’re trying to teach our daughter: If someone reads your message and doesn’t reply, it might mean they’re busy. Or it could mean they missed it. But, when it keeps happening, it usually means they’re not interested in chatting right now… or at all. And as painful as that is, you have to take the hint and step back. That lesson hurts. It hurts to teach it, and it hurts to watch your kid learn it. But pretending boundaries don’t exist doesn’t protect them. It just sets them up to be hurt later.
Yes, we can silence the phone.
Yes, we can block people.
Yes, the temptation to go full scorched-earth at 6:22 a.m. on a Saturday is very real.
But these are often lonely and learning friends. So I’m trying to hold empathy and boundaries at the same time, even when one of Avery’s text-bomb squad ignores my polite, “Hey, please don’t text before school” and resumes the next morning like I never asked.
I’ve coached Avery to only share her number with a few long-time friends who have proven they can respect our rules. That actually blew up in my face recently when a new acquaintance was “devastated” to be told no to her request for Avery’s number. We thought we had it handled by offering communication via other apps where notifications are turned off. But then her mom got involved. She was protecting her child’s feelings. As a self-professed Mama Bear, I get it.
However, here’s the unpopular truth: boundaries aren’t unkind; they’re necessary. What that other mom doesn’t realize is that we are doing what we can to protect our child’s peace. She finds texts and phone calls distracting and intrusive. It’s perfectly fair to ask others to respect that.
Another acquaintance has been messaging relentlessly on Messenger. It’s crossed into aggressive. So I stepped in. Yet, the messages still come. When Avery ignores them (as coached), the sender gets angry. My daughter gets upset. And I get furious.
This is the part no one prepares you for. Technology provides connection, but it also provides people with unlimited access to your kid’s nervous system. That’s not harmless. That’s pressure.
Yes, Avery knows I read her texts. That’s part of having a phone in our house.
Yes, “gently coaching” has occasionally sounded like me yelling, “STOP TEXTING THEM BACK!!”
And yes, we let her phone creep into her bedroom at night, something I swore I’d never allow. However, we finally shut that down again, even though I bring my own phone to my room at night like a hypocrite, but with excellent excuses. Just never mind about it.
What’s messing with my head right now is that one of Avery’s frequent text bombers has ‘read receipts’ on. I can see she’s often active after midnight on school nights. If that were my kid, I’d want to know. But it’s not my kid, not my lane. So I’m stuck in that parenting grey zone of do I say something or mind my own business?
Here’s my uncomfortable, probably controversial take:
We’re letting kids grow up inside devices with almost no shared rules about boundaries, availability, rest, or consent to constant access. We teach “be kind,” but not “be respectful of someone’s time, space, and silence.” We talk about screen time, but not about the emotional labour of being reachable and responsive 24/7. Parents and caregivers need to start teaching digital boundaries as actual life skills. And be aware of who their kids are teaching, when, and how often. Like, actually keep an eye on it.
And…
-Teach that “no reply” IS a reply.
-Talk about the importance of being present in real time.
-Explain that access to someone’s phone is not access to their time, attention, or emotional energy.
-Lead by example and model it ourselves by putting our own damn phones down once in a while. Because this stuff isn’t harmless; it’s wiring our expectations for relationships.
If we don’t teach and enforce boundaries now, the world will teach them later, and much more harshly.
