55 Negative Nelly

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Lisa:

When I was in junior high we had this weird award contest thing where you rated your classmates based on some pretty superficial criteria. My best friend won sexiest legs and most beautiful girl. And, I won the sunniest smile award. Partly because of my braces but also because I was always happy and smiling and silly and positive. I mean, There are worse things to be known for I guess.

Many many many decades later I’m still a pretty positive person. I try not to dwell in the muck. Don’t get me wrong, I can get down. And I’m not talking about the Dancefloor. Although I do have some moves. I’m known for my dramatic high kicks at parties. I have video. But we don’t need to go there. I can definitely feel the deep dark feels and feel sorry for myself or get lost in the doom and gloom and go all Funkytown. But usually, I choose to see the silver linings.

But this episode is not that. This episode is full on negative Nelly. I’m just gonna unleash all the random shit that is happening in my life right now and I hope that by sharing some not so great stuff, you might feel like even though my life appears to be quite sunny, there are clouds in everyone’s lives.

So this is a keeping it real episode. I’m going to talk a little bit about some of the things happening in our house at the moment that are making me feel a little out of control.

Content warning, adult language. So here we go.

[Intro]

I’d like to start by saying that we all have stuff. Every single person. Some stuff is big, some stuff is small. And we should never compare. I’ve had people say to me, oh I shouldn’t complain, you’re dealing with a lot. And I always say, we’re all dealing with a lot. Nobody’s problems outweigh someone else’s.

Whatever you’re going through, you still have to go through it. You still have to feel your way through the hard stuff. So let’s not compare who’s life is harder. Everyone’s life is a complete turd fest at some point. And that’s OK. When one of us is up another one is down and we’re there to support each other through whatever.

See? That’s totally something somebody with a sunniest smile award would say.

OK, let’s just start this shizzle show.

Oh, but Before I do, I thought I would set this up to present it in the format of the game we used to play with the kids. It’s called fortunately unfortunately. 

It’s this storytelling word game were you each take turns building on what the other person said to create a story. The first person starts with something positive I would say something like fortunately, the weather is great and it’s perfect for camping in my new tent. And then the next person would add on with something negative and they would say something like, unfortunately there’s a big wind storm coming. And over to the other person who would add something positive and say something like, fortunately my tent has a parachute so if it gets blown away I will be able to land safely. And then the next person would add something negative like unfortunately when you were looking at giant bear clawed a hole through the back of your tent and ate the parachute.  

And the game goes on and on until you’ve basically exhausted the whole scenario. And whenever I played with my son, I always ended up either dead or maimed to some degree. Every single time.

Anyway. That’s the premise of the game and so I thought I would try to share the latest fortunate and unfortunate events in our life at the moment within the framework of that game. Although, I will be playing by myself. I’m very lonely.

Here we go. I’m not sure if this is even gonna work. But I’ll give it my best shot.

Music

Fortunately the weather has finally turned to spring.  

Unfortunately that means that the ticks are out in full force. I don’t ever remember Text being such a problem in my entire life. But the last few years, they are everywhere.

Fortunately we don’t have a lot of tall grass in our area.

Unfortunately it appears that ticks now fall from trees on to passing animals and humans. I’m dead serious. They fall from freaking trees. My dad was out for a walk with family and the dogs and a tick fell from a tree and in bed itself into his forearm. I think he’s fine, but that sucker took quite a chunk out of his arm and he bled for a long time. Similarly, I was out walking with a friend and we were going through some trails and we stopped to talk to this lady who was passing by with her dog and I just happened to look down at my dog has a tick was falling from the sky and it landed right smack in the middle of her back.

Fortunately, I saw it happen and I was able to flick it off her and squash it with my boot.

Unfortunately I was hanging with another friend last weekend and she was sitting under the shade of a beautiful cherry blossom tree and a tick fell from the tree and landed on her neck.

Fortunately, though she didn’t feel the tick land, she happened to rub her neck and thought she felt a skin tag. It turned out to be the tick beginning it’s journey inward into her neck skin and she was able to remove it.

Unfortunately, it freaked us out and it was effing disgusting.

Fortunately, we are troopers who appreciate the benefits of nature so I have continued to take my dog for a walks in the sunshine but I’m steering clear of the trails for now because…

Unfortunately, coyotes. First the ticks, and now the coyotes? I don’t remember coyotes ever even being around, like ever. This year, I guess with all the new construction in our area, the coyotes are bountiful and aggressive.

Fortunately they are just part of the ecosystem and it’s nice to see nature thriving. And they are clearly well fed.

Unfortunately, they’re well fed because some idiot neighbors have been feeding them. Like seriously? Use your head dumb dumbs. They’re also full from eating all the dogs. I kid you not. There have been several attacks just over the past week. Just last week, a woman was walking beside the trails near our house, and she had her two little dogs with her. A coyote burst out of the woods and grabbed her one little Maltese dog, and wrenched it out of its harness and leash and ran off with it into the woods. Can you even imagine? That is some trauma right there.

Fortunately, coyotes eat rats and apparently there is a rat infestation in our neighborhood. 

And unfortunately, I fucking hate rats. They’re in my top five most terrifying things. 

Fortunately, as long as they keep eating rats and don’t harm any more dogs or children, I will continue to go outdoors and enjoy this beautiful Mayweather. This is the warmest May I think we’ve ever had.

Unfortunately, climate change. Before the pandemic I was consumed with anxious thoughts about global warming and the future of our planet. We attended some climate change rallies and I hung on to Greta Thunberg is every word. But then the pandemic came and overshadowed all of that.

Fortunately, the pandemic appears to be winding down and heading toward endemic status.

Unfortunately, that means my thoughts and worries have turned back to the future of our world and all of the possible horrible outcomes. Not to mention the utter rage at how we could’ve let this happen and gotten to this point in the first place.

See? This episode is called Negative Nelly for a reason.

Fortunately, recent events have kept me distracted from worrying about extinction and wars and shitty racist, ableist, hateful humans.

Unfortunately, the recent events have to do with Avery‘s health and they have been all consuming this past few weeks.  

Fortunately, we were able to get in to see Avery‘s neurologist on very short notice which as you can imagine, is very rare while doctors are so overwhelmed.

Unfortunately it seems Avery has two new elements to add to a list of others that we recently discovered through her cardiologists. I think I touched on that in a previous episode. Long story short, we are monitoring something called long QT syndrome which is an abnormal electrical rhythm of the heart. And it can be exacerbated by seizures which have recently started up again to some degree. Probably hormone related. But that’s some thing that we are watching carefully and I think we have a handle on. I will be talking more about that specifically, how my lovely, generous, loving brother, Avery‘s uncle, bought her a all the bells and whistles, brand spanking new Apple Watch that will help monitor her oxygen saturation, ECG, and seizures. I’m going to do a whole episode about that once we figure out how to effectively set up all the monitoring apps. We’re still working on that. My poor Boomer brain isn’t firing on all cylinders.

Where was I? Am I at an unfortunate or fortunate statement? Oh yes,…

Fortunately I was able to get away last weekend for a much needed and highly anticipated girls weekend. The first one legitimately in years.

Unfortunately, when I got back, it appeared that Avery was having a mild clonic seizure which is the kind of seizure where you don’t lose consciousness, you’re able to speak, but there is some uncontrollable jerking in usually a limb or something. And this appeared to be happening in her left arm.

Fortunately, it turned out to not be a seizure at all.

Unfortunately, the jerking of her left arm and hand continued all evening and into the next day. It was some kind of tremor.

Fortunately, the neurologist was able to see the trimmer happening though how much milder version, and was able to rule out seizures, muscular dystrophy or ataxia 15, both are associated with her dilation and have always been a worry in the back of my mind. So I was super relieved to hear him say it was neither of those.

Unfortunately, he believes it’s something called an intention tremor. This is different from an essential tremor which is what you would see in someone who has some thing like Parkinson’s for example. Those tremors continue pretty much nonstop. Whereas an intention tremor goes away when the body part is at rest. The shaking can intensify as The person is trying to use their limb. For example when Avery is trying to move a spoon to her mouth the more focus she needs the more the shaking increases.

Fortunately, the tremor has gone away for now. So we’re hoping it was some kind of anomaly or a one off. Perhaps she was very dehydrated or her sodium levels were too low or something like that.

Unfortunately, when the neurologist was looking her over he took her blood pressure and had to take it several times because he couldn’t believe the findings. Her blood pressure was 88/50. That is dangerously low.

Fortunately, he suggested some strategies to help increase her blood pressure. Which is ironic because I am actively trying to lower my blood pressure. He suggested maximizing hydration, salting her food. Both kids in fact have to increase their sodium. Both of my children apparently have very low blood pressure. I went to Costco and got salted cashews… Cashews in my opinion are the least chokey of the nuts. Because they’re so soft and easily chewed. I also got these peanut butter pretzels which again, if you listened to last week’s episode all about choking hazards, peanut butter pretzels are high on the list, so Avery is definitely monitored very closely when she eats them. But they’re very salty. I actually wrote on both containers, “For Sebastian and Avery only. Keep your hands off!” That note is intended for my husband.

Unfortunately the cause of the intention tremor and the low blood pressure are still unconfirmed.

Fortunately, Avery is going for bloodwork today and hopefully we will get more answers from that.

Unfortunately, until I know what we’re dealing with, I feel unsettled and worried, more than usual.

Fortunately, when I was away for the weekend, my husband set up the backyard with a relaxing seating area. So I went outside and sat quietly in Muskoka chair with my face to the sun. I close my eyes and practiced my deep breathing exercises.

Unfortunately, a huge gust of wind blew over the 8 foot metal umbrella stand in front of me and it came crashing down on me.

Fortunately, I saw the shadow of it on my face and with lightning fast reflexes, which is so unlike me, I caught the pole in my hand centimeters from my face.

Unfortunately, it cut my finger and sprained my pinky. But I’ll take that over a smashed in face any day.

Fortunately, the adrenaline from that near miss kick started a outburst of emotion. I had a little cry. Which was much needed. Because I realized I had been holding everything in. All the worry, all the anxiety and stress. It was all stuffed down deep. And nearly getting clubbed in the head was what I needed to release it.

Unfortunately, I feel myself sliding back into that pattern of putting my head down and ignoring my own personal self-care while I troubleshoot. 

Exercise and sleep and the ability to focus and concentrate always take a hit when I’m working through the stuff.

Fortunately, I have the best family and friends the mama could ask for. My husband is the greatest partner in all of this. He’s my yes-man. Anything we need, and he’s all over it. And my parents, Avery‘s grandparents, and my brother, and family, our team Thornbury all the way. And my girlfriends. My besties. None of them claim to know what it’s like over here, but they listen to all of it. And I know that whenever I need them, they be over here like a shot.

Unfortunately, and speaking of shots, I have to cut this short because we are headed to the lab to get Avery‘s blood work done.

Fortunately, Avery is not afraid of needles.

Unfortunately, her mother sometimes faint at the sight of blood. Pray for me.

So that’s how you play fortunately unfortunately. Mind you, when my son and I used to play it was much more entertaining and rather hilarious. Nothing about this was particularly amusing. The tone here was pretty negative especially for someone with a sunny smile. 

But life isn’t always sunshine and smiles. Sometimes it’s ticks and climate change anxiety and worry about your child and medical mysteries and forgetting to take care of yourself. Sometimes you’re a negative Nelly. And I think it’s important to share that. I also think it’s important to add that you can be a negative Nelly for as long as you need to feel your feels. But then you need to buck up and get on with it. Because nobody likes a negative Nelly. I mean, Nelly Olson? She was unpleasant. But then, do you remember near the end of that series, Little House on the Prairie I’m talking about, with Nelly Olson who was a right bitch, met Percival and became his wife and he would not put up with her crap. And they were truly in love and she found happiness. And she was no longer a negative Nelly. She was just happy Nelly Olson? I honestly have no idea where I’m going with this. It felt right in my head until it came out of my face now it sounds weird. But, I guess I’m trying to say that we all have hard stuff. And it’s perfectly normal to feel sad and mad and downright negative sometimes. 

The world at large is a hot mess. It would be strange if you didn’t feel concerned about all of the big things going on. And even stranger, if you didn’t feel some stress or worry about the hard things going on closer to home. Being a parent is amazing, but it’s also really difficult. Not only are you responsible for keeping yourself alive and finding happiness and purpose, you’re not responsible for doing the same for your children.

Unfortunately, it’s a big responsibility.

Fortunately, it’s worth every sleepless night. 

And finally, as much there are

Unfortunate things in our lives and all around us, there’s always a fortunate nugget. We just need to look for it. Sometimes we have to look really really hard. And it might be more of a crumb than an actual nugget. 

Feeling negative is normal but there is a danger of spiraling deeper and deeper into the abyss, but I have found some strategies that are doable and have helped me a lot. One in particular is about perspective. So tune in next week for episode 56 called, it’s a matter of perspective. I mean that’s the working title. I may change it.

Thanks as always for listening and for your support. It means everything.