58 Should we tell kids with intellectual disabilities the truth about holiday myths?

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Lisa:

That’s the topic of today’s episode. And you may think it’s weird that I’m talking about Christmas in May… Well it’s actually June but this was recorded in May. But an image of our family celebrating Christmas in May, popped up in my Facebook memories this week and it occurred to me that this could be a good question to pose to my fellow parents on the disability community.

When do we, or do we ever, tell our intellectually disabled kids the… wait… content warning! This episode is adult ears only. If you’re a kiddo, turn this one off. It’s not for you. It’ll be super boring. 

Okay. As I was saying… when do we, or do we even, tell our kids who have intellectual disabilities the truth about key characters in certain holiday legends. Like S. Claus and the E.Bunny? How do we make this decision and why might we need to make it.  

Okay, let’s get into it!

The struggle to keep the magic alive for our kids is real. And the magic that I am struggling with in particular is holiday magic and the characters associated with holidays. 

What I’m wondering is… is it OK to bold face lie to our children about Santa and the Easter bunny and the creepy tooth fairy? I understand it’s tradition and all that and it’s meant to be in good-natured fun, but where is the line?

From everything I’ve read, the most common advice is to follow our kids lead. All kids. Typical and atypical. When they start asking questions, we should consider letting them in on the secret. 

Ugh. Secret. That word makes me uncomfortable. 

We teach our children to be honest and trustworthy, but then we go ahead and lie to them and ask them to keep the secret from their younger siblings or friends. This is never sit right with me. Yet, of course I play along because it’s… tradition. That’s what parents do. That’s what parents have always done.

But what about kids with intellectual disabilities? Some kids may never start asking the questions. So do we just keep on with the holiday character charade or do we finally fess up and explain it to them? 

It’s a tricky one and there’s no straight answer. I think it’s very situational. 

Avery’s nearly 16 and she still completely believes in Santa. She also doesn’t question the plausibility of a giant bunny breaking into our house every spring to hide chocolates under couch cushions. 

It occurred to me this past Easter how bizarre that is. The whole Easter bunny situation. I had to explain to her recently that Max and Ruby are not real when she asked if she could meet them in real life. I had to tell her that the stories were made up and an artist drew the cartoons. I explained to her that actual real animals don’t wear clothes, well unless you’re a dog or a cat that lives in our house, and they certainly don’t talk. 

I explained that to her yet I let her believe that there’s a large bunny with the cognitive ability to plan a break-in and to hide chocolates around our house? It’s ridiculous.

I know lots of kids, especially lately with the level of uncertainty and anxiety in the world, feel unsafe. So parents everywhere are constantly reassuring their children that their homes are a safe and secure place. However, if they should lose a tooth, the fairy will break and enter and sneak into their room when they’re sleeping to steal their tooth. How does this make sense?

I guess the concept of Santa is a bit more plausible or dare I say Santa plausible? Sorry. That was terrible. 

Outside of the idea that he can travel around the globe delivering presents to every single child in one night and also enter homes that don’t have chimneys or whatever, I guess the rest of the story could make sense. That Santa wants to bring joy to children by giving them a gift each year.

The sentiment behind Santa Claus is obviously lovely. I read that the origin of the Santa story comes from a place of a real desire to give. Apparently Nicolas, secretly gave money to three sisters whose father didn’t have enough money for a dowry for them to get married. So during the night he snuck money into their stockings. But the girls’ father caught Saint Nicholas while he was delivering the money. Nick asked the dad to keep his secret. 

I guess I can get behind that kind of secret.

But then Santa and secular Christmas became more about getting and giving. And the whole Santa Claus and Christmas stockings situation was based on a fictional story that children must be good in order to get a present. And let’s not even get into the whole thing about Santa being able to see them at all times. That’s super creepy. Even creepier than the tooth fairy.

Lying to our children who are supposed to trust us, aside, at what point do we let our kids in on the secret? 

For my son, I can’t remember how old he was, I want to say grade 2? He started asking questions and it was obvious he wasn’t buying into the whole charade any longer.

I’ll share what we said to our son and why it made sense to us, in a minute. But first I’m going to read something I wrote about how I nearly ruined the magic of Christmas a few years ago and how we salvaged the secret. 

I’ll add before I start, that this isn’t the first time we did this. We nearly blew Santas cover for Avery‘s brother when he was little as well and we had to lie our faces off to convince him Santa was real. 

I can’t believe I did it again. Almost the exact same scenario. But when I say I can’t believe it, I can totally believe it. Avery and Sebastian‘s parents aren’t the most clever parents. 

Okay. Here’s … “Why we celebrated Christmas in May”

This happened back in May 2019.

Wait, I need my glasses… I can’t see a bloody thing.

Okay…

I’m on my way out to buy ingredients for a full on Christmas dinner. In May. And I need Christmasy cookies and eggnog if I can find it. I realize this is weird and probably impossible, but when you screw up royally and nearly ruined all future Christmases, again this wasn’t the first time I made this mistake, you do what you gotta do.

Updated to add… You won’t find Christmas desserts in May, so your husband will have to bake gingersnaps. They’ll taste awful because he’ll use buckwheat flour and half the sugar to make them healthier. You’ll eat one and fake fawn all over it to make your daughter happy, but you’ll stifle a gag and spit it out when she’s not looking.

We’re celebrating Christmas in May because of the penguin.

That probably needs a little contacts. We have a little stuffed penguin dressed in a green and red felt elf costume. His name is Quacky. He’s our families skewed version of the elf on the shelf. I’ll spare you the ridiculous story. Let’s just say we misinterpreted the concept of the whole elf thing and made up her own version. He was named after a character from the now extinct interactive club penguin computer game. Again long story and not really relevant to the story. Except to illustrate that my husband and I messed up the elf thing from the get-go but we’re already knee-deep in the lie and just had to go with it.

Here’s the story:

One sunny May morning, Avery woke up and decided to put on her elf movie T-shirt, just because she loves it. In turn, this wardrobe choice inspired her to search for her dad‘s Christmas sweater. 

Upon digging through his sweater drawer she accidentally stumbled upon her elf, stuffed under a hoodie. Oh holy night.

With a quivering chin she presented him to us and asked why he was there. She demanded to know why Santa had left him behind. The audacity. I avoided eye contact and remained uncharacteristically silent. I was frozen in my UGG slipper tracks.

Thankfully her dad rose to the occasion and saved the day.

He told her Quacky knew she had put on her Christmas T-shirt. He explained that the elfin penguin could sense we all needed a pick me up, so he returned for one night with some holiday cheer. Who knew penguins are so intuitive?

With this happy info, she whole heartedly started planning our feast and festive activities.

This turn of events is WHY I was suddenly combing the grocery store in May for winter holiday treats.

After Christmas dinner, a few rounds of off key carols, and an episode of Mr. Bean’s Christmas, we exchanged gifts… Chocolate bars I bought as an afterthought during my festive shop. Then with a final hug, she said good night and goodbye to Quacky. He returned to the north pole until Christmas. Or, like July, when his shitty hiding spot is discovered once again.

May-rry Christmas everyone!

Ya. So that’s what happened. 

And I have to say, it turned out really well. We had been experiencing a few rough months and having a special impromptu celebration was just what we needed.

Avery continued to believe in Santa after that. And she still does.

So, as I asked before, should we tell our kids, specifically our older intellectually disabled kids, that Santa himself isn’t physically real, but the magic of Christmas is. And that we’re all Santa, with magic and giving in our hearts. Or something like that?

I’m torn. I want her to remain a child forever and to never experience disillusionment or disappointment.

But of course that’s not realistic.

My other concern is that if she knows the truth, asking her to keep that secret from her friends, many of whom still believe in Santa, is unfair.

Is keeping the myth going a kind thing to do? Or is it infantilizing to a degree? Avery may be cognitively, junior, to her peers, but she’s capable of comprehending big ideas if they’re explained in the right way. 

I don’t have any answers in this episode, I only have questions. A lotta questions. 

I’d really love to know how you’ve handled this in your house.

With our son, who is 3 years older than Avery, when he started asking us if Santa was real and if WE were actually Santa, we sat him down and told him something to the effect of… Christmas magic being in our hearts and about the joy of giving and that all parents and olds siblings and grandparents are actually Santa. And now that he is older he gets to join that special club and can help spread Christmas joy and magic to others and in particular, to his sister. He would get to play the role of Santa. And it’s a really big and very cool responsibility. 

So we let him in on the elf on the shelf charade too. Or Quacky, in our case. We said it was a very special responsibility too and that he would be the one to move Quacky in the morning and come up with various silly scenarios. And he took his job very seriously. There were elf antics galore. There was even a elf on the shelf vs tooth fairy SmackDown. That’s what happens when elves and fairies are left unsupervised after dark. It’s lit. 

He didn’t appear to be disappointed when he learned the truth. And I don’t think we did any long-term damage by lying to him. At least I hope not.

Scientifically, behavioural studies have shown that giving produces endorphins. Humans are just hardwired to give. And because it feels great, we keep doing it. And that excitement we feel when we have a surprise…. I love that feeling. It’s euphoric. And now I have an image of Kristin Wig’s character. Aunt Sue, losing her mind trying to keep it together before a surprise party, on SNL. Oh my god so funny. 

I much prefer the word surprise or a secret. It’s just a great feeling. 

So I think by him getting that feeling of enjoyment by giving plus STILL receiving gifts from Avery’s Santa Claus and the family, made it a win-win for him.

I guess my question now is how do we transition Avery from being the recipient of Santas gifts and magic to being a willing and informed participant in the magic of Christmas?

Do we even go there? I guess we have a few months before next Christmas to decide. 

Or maybe I’ll just leave it alone until she’s 18? Or maybe later or sooner, even sooner. 

I haven’t decided. I feel like when the time is right we will know.

And when that time comes, we’ll create a scenario where she’s given the responsibility of creating magic for other people. 

Things like secret Santa gifts and filling food bank baskets and delivering anonymous reindeer or elf gifts to neighbours. Fun festive like that. 

I also thought it might be helpful to sweeten the pot by bestowing other holiday responsibilities upon her like sharing a special family Christmas dessert recipe with her and formally informing her that she is now a keeper of this family recipe and then showing her how to make it. Although I am the worst baker on the planet so I might pass this over to her brother. And definitely not her dad. I’m not kidding. Those ginger snaps were for real revolting.

As for the tooth fairy, that storyline has fizzled out after the loss of her last tooth. I’m not concerned with that any longer. 

But the Easter bunny though. We’re going to have to have that conversation sooner rather than later. The story of a giant bunny delivering chocolates has run its course. 

Here’s my question for you about that. 

After explaining that I don’t appreciate the lies or the secrets, can I add one more lie? Can I say the Easter bunny only delivers chocolates until the last child in the house is 16 or whatever age we decide upon? But that we still exchange chocolates with one another for fun. And we can still hide them for each other?

Or is that also infantilizing and not giving her the credit she deserves for being able to handle the truth?

My instinct is to tell her how it is. That the Easter bunny is a fun story that parents tell children to help make Easter more exciting. But, in reality, bunnies are just bunnies. They like carrots. Not chocolate. But, instead of searching for treats left by the Easter bunny, she can hide treats for US to find. And put her in charge. The girl loves to be in charge. She gets that from me. 

So that’s it. Those are my big thoughts and impossible questions for today. 

And with that I bid you farewell and Merry Easter and Happy Halloween annnnd… happy festivus. 

Thanks for listening. Let us know your thoughts on all of this. Talk to you next week. It’s gonna be a good one. And we have some guests with us doing the jokes of the day.

 But this week, we have our usual funny girl. Avery.

Avery: What do you get when you mix a rabbit with shellfish? An oyster bunny!