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Originally Posted July 14, 2014
My husband’s mum was a vital part of our lives. There hasn’t been a day since she died that we don’t miss her terribly. As adults who’ve had years to develop coping skills, it’s still tough. So how can a child possibly deal with grief when they can’t begin to reconcile the devastation of loss and the finality of death?
Avery lost her grandmother when she was seven years old and she was profoundly affected. She and her ‘Grandie’ had a special bond (one that my husband and I are convinced has continued in some other worldly way. It sounds odd, but the evidence we’ve seen is impossible to ignore). At first Avery believed her Grandie had gone to the dentist and would be coming back soon. We don’t know where this idea came from. Regardless, the first dental appointment I took the kids to afterwards was difficult to say the least.
When it became evident that Avery was struggling to find the words to express her sorrow and confusion, we took her to see a counsellor. This was best thing we could have done. Not only was our daughter able to communicate her feelings in a safe and comforting environment, I also came away with some helpful strategies.
These are some of the things that have helped my children deal with grief and loss. They are invaluable tools to use with a child with an intellectual disability, but they would be effective for any young child.
Books About Grief
There are tons of how-to style books for parents. Like this one—Parenting Through Crisis: Helping Kids In Times OF Loss, Grief, And Change by Barbara Coloroso
Great Answers to Difficult Questions about DEATH: What Children Need To Know by Linda Goldman is also EXCELLENT.
There are also many stories written specifically for children. Some good ones include:
- When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown
- Badger’s Parting Gifts by Susan Varley
- Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss by Michaelene Mundy
Please feel free to add your own suggestions to the comments.
Write your own story
We’re writing our own story called “Wasn’t Grandie Grand?” My son is writing the words and Avery is helping with the illustrations. It’s a good way to be able to talk about the person we miss so much while preserving the special memories and day-to-day details that will inevitably begin to fade.
Listen and Talk
Though it’s a difficult and uncomfortable topic most parents would rather avoid, when kids ask, “Where did grandma go? and “Why did she die?” or “What is dead?” As sad as it is for us, let them talk. Answering their questions in a truthful but age appropriate way helps them heal.
Use proper language. She didn’t pass away (this concept doesn’t make sense to kids) and she isn’t in a deep sleep. She died. She is dead. It’s okay to use the words.
We told Avery that Grandie died and that she is in heaven. Though I don’t personally believe in the concept, we felt having a concrete “place” to imagine would be helpful.
Update: We took a hiatus from the term heaven for a few years, but never really found a word for a place that made as much sense. Avery kept using the term heaven so we just went with it. We’ve also told her that her Grandie is always with her. When she misses her she can put her hand over her heart and close her eyes and think of her, and even talk to her and she will be there, listening. We’d often hear her in her room, chatting quietly with grandmother. And I think that really helped her feel connected.
What does dead mean?
That’s a tough one. A good explanation comes from Goldman’s book, “Death means when the body stops working. Sometimes people die when they are very, very, very old or very, very, very sick, or they are so, so, so injured that the doctors and nurses can’t make their bodies work anymore. Grandma died. It is sad. She will not move, not be warm, and not be alive again.”
It’s hard to say those words, but children are smart and they know when they are being lied to. They need to understand and accept that death means forever. Otherwise how can they grieve?
Update: Avery took the word “Dead” and ran with it. At my sister-in-law’s step father’s funeral, Avery spotted her aunt the second we arrived and went up to her immediately and said, “Where’s your dad? I think your dad isn’t here because he’s dead. I’m sorry he got dead.” Then she looked around for a bit and upon spotting the open casket she exclaimed, “Wait!! There he is!” I am still traumatized from this entire exchange. Thank god my sister-in-law is a beautiful, loving person. She grabbed Avery by the hand and asked her if she’d like to go over and see him to say goodbye. And that’s just what they did.
Draw
Your child may not have the words or may prefer to express themselves with pictures. Avery drew many pictures of her Grandie (always smiling). She often wrote a few words with the pictures too.
“Grandie I love you from Avery.” or “I miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you.”
Photographs
Go through old albums or digital pics and let your child select a few special photos. Put them in frames around the house and in a special spot in their bedroom. The photos are often a good place to start conversations about people we miss.
Memory Box
Avery and I bought a pretty box and filled it with little things that remind us of Grandie. We went to my in-law’s house and Granddad helped us choose a few things to put in the box—Grandie’s tea cup, a scarf, a bracelet, a broach, the necklace Avery loved to fondle while her Grandie wore it. Whenever Avery is feeling sad and missing her grandma, she looks through her special Memory Box and finds comfort.
Paper Lanterns and Candle Lighting Ceremonies
Avery’s counsellor told us about a candle ceremony that takes place a few times a year in our community. Families have a chance to light candles or paper lanterns in honour of lost loved ones. We love this idea and hope to participate at some point. In the meantime, we bought paper lanterns for each of the grandkids to send up to Grandie this summer when we’re all together at the cottage. If you like, you can write a simple message on the side of the lantern.
Message In A Balloon
I find it difficult to watch this video without getting emotional. However, we want to share it with you in hopes it will help families who are struggling. If your children are having trouble coping with the loss of a special person, you might consider doing this. It gave Avery, all of us in fact, some much needed closure and an emotional release.
Avery wrote her Grandie a note with her counsellor (we respected her privacy and didn’t read it, though I really wanted to). We took her message to the party store and Avery chose a pink balloon. “My Grandie likes pink,” she told the clerk as she inserted the note into the balloon and inflated it with helium.
We went to a special spot where we feel close to Grandie. After a few words from Avery (which still break my heart) we released the balloon carrying the goodbye message of a seven years old girl up to her Grandie, on what would have been her 77th birthday.
“When somebody who you love dies, you can still talk to them. They’re in your heart.”
When A Pet Dies
Originally Posted Jun 06 2014
Pets die. It’s inevitable, but when it actually happens, it’s heart wrenching. Especially when you have kids.
We have two dogs who are getting on in years and we accept that they won’t be with us forever. But our skinny pig Ernie was only ten months old, so when he died suddenly it was a shock.
Though he was merely a guinea pig to some, to us he was a beloved pet and sweet friend to my kids Sebastian and Avery. For reasons unknown, Ernie had a massive seizure and died. My daughter has Epilepsy so I’ve done my fair share of research into seizures. But never did I imagine I’d be Googling “what to do when your guinea pig has a seizure.”
I was sitting next to his cage when it happened. He suddenly began convulsing in his cage, and was paralyzed and helpless in a matter of minutes. I knew when I picked held him, his head tilted and nuzzled lifelessly into my neck, that he was leaving us. That’s the hardest part about having a pet—they are completely dependent on us for their survival. So when they get sick or hurt or god forbid die, it’s devastating.
After losing their grandmother only a few months earlier, my children were already afraid to death of death. My son is still having a tough time accepting that his grandmother is really gone and won’t be coming back. And only now is Avery starting to verbalize her feelings of loss, which are deep and earnest and heartbreaking.
Sebastian was with me when Ernie died. He saw too much before my husband quickly escorted him and Avery out of the room. Thankfully Avery, my youngest, didn’t see anything and has no idea about what happened. The next morning I told her Ernie’s cage was out getting cleaned. She didn’t ask where Ernie was, but she will. And what will I say then?
I suppose some people would suggest I tell her the truth. But I can’t. Not now. So I plan to lie. I’m going to tell her that our “turn” with Ernie is over and he had to move on to another family. In this case a lie is best. I know it.
So what do you actually do physically when a guinea pig dies? If you loved him like we did, you wrap him carefully in a fuzzy sock monkey blanket and tuck him inside a Kleenex box. Then you head off on foot through your neighbourhood carrying a suspicious bag and a shovel. When a neighbour stops you to ask what the heck you’re doing, you explain that you’re going to the pond in the park to bury your pet while trying not to cry.
I found a perfect spot near the pond under a birch tree—not an easy task while watching over your shoulder for pychos in the dark and swatting away the voracious bugs attacking you like a piece of mom meat.
I feel bad for the man who rode his bike past along the trail beside my dig site. He startled me so naturally I screamed. This is funny to me now because he screamed too. I suppose I did look creepy on my knees in the dirt in the dark digging, and crying, and reassuring a Kleenex box that everything would be okay.
It’s harder than you’d think to dig a hole under a tree.
There are a lot of roots to contend with. I worried the hole wouldn’t be deep enough and I’m afraid to go back for fear of finding the grave desecrated by some carnivorous animal. (I did go back a week later and found an empty hole. I know it’s the circle of life and everything but… sad).
Ernie was initially my son’s pet, but he quickly became my little buddy too. My son’s room was too cold this winter so we moved Ernie to my kitchen office and his cage was pressed up snug against my desk. He became my officemate and I referred to him fondly as my “paper shredder.” I admit to babying him and to chatting with him off an on all day long. I took him outside with me so he could graze on the grass in the sun during my coffee breaks.
The dogs came too and they watched over him like two fierce-ish protectors. Some of you may be rolling your eyes, but those who have loved a pet understand the lengths we go to care for the animals who share our home.
We miss you Ernie and we’re sorry this happened to you. You were deeply loved. Sebastian hopes that you are with Grandie right now. I hope you are too.
Related:
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