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This incident happened several years ago when Avery was still quite young but something happened recently which brought it back to mind. I wondered if other parents of young children or kids with disabilities have experienced something like this and thought it might be worth sharing.
I took my daughter Avery on a “Mama is going out and doesn’t have a thing to wear” mission. She has always loved shopping and was all in. Which is funny to me since I’d rather do anything else but comb through clothing racks. Her dad is a skilled shopper though so she must get it from him.
We popped over to the outlets in hopes of finding me a new shirt. Ever mindful of my budget *shudder* I limited my quest to one item. Painful as it was, I grabbed a few tops to try on and headed to the change room…after I helped Avery pick up the pile of purple sweaters she had knocked onto the floor, put back the umbrella and two purses slung over her shoulder and removed the lavender tank top from around her neck. Shopping with a curious child is a challenge. However, how will she learn to behave appropriately if she’s never given the opportunity?
While I tried on the first shirt, Avery discovered yodelling. She found the echo of the empty change room amusing. While I struggled out of the blouse (picture Houdini trying to escape from a straight jacket and chains), Avery began to softly hum her ABCs.
Eventually her patience ran out and she attempted to escape under the door. I can’t really blame her. It was way more fun out there, fondling crisp stacks of t-shirts and whipping belts around, cowgirl style. In order to gain a precious few minutes more, I gave her my phone. She enjoys an APP that records her voice and plays it back in a silly voice. A loudish activity (the volume was respectfully low), but it’s not like we were in the library or a retirement home.
As she happily played, I stepped out of the room to ask the saleswoman for a wide belt. I explained how a strategically placed belt provides excellent muffin top camo. And we laughed. Then out of nowhere, we hear an aggressive “Shushhhhhh!” from an adjacent change room. Not your typical warning shush. This was a furious “yell shush.”
I’m not a fan of the “shush.” I suspect it was directed at Avery and I both. Me, for belting out my belt affection and more likely, Avery for humming and laughing.
In response I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know anybody else was in here.” I skulked back into my stall and Avery exclaimed, “Hi mummy!!!” I replied with an uncharacteristic sprinkling of snark, “Avery, we can’t make any more noise. This is a no fun zone.”
As I dressed, Avery coughed. I told her (sarcastically… I know) “Uh oh, you’d better keep it down. Let’s get out of here.”
Passive aggressive and not the best example to be modelling, but it was either that or fling open the shusher’s door and smack her with a hanger. (Kidding. I’m a lover not a fighter.)
There was no reply from the grouchy lady in the neighbouring change room. Maybe her pant zipper was stuck or she was hopelessly trapped in a turtleneck. I don’t know her story, but even if she had stepped on a dress pin and was nursing a sore toe, her rude outburst wasn’t necessary.
As I stood at the checkout to pay for my single shirt (pats self on budget savvy back) the woman emerged from the change room and approached the cash. When she saw me, she veered away and browsed intently at the sale rack. I took a deep breath and confessed to the cashier that it was taking every ounce of restraint I had not to confront that woman.
I paid for my item and left the store without saying a word. I didn’t even bother flashing her a dirty look. I couldn’t be bothered.
I sat behind the wheel, fuming and contemplating whether or not to go back inside. I wanted to tell that woman I’m not a lax parent with an unruly child. My daughter wasn’t screaming or having a tantrum. She was laughing and singing and sitting still while her exhausted mother attempted to try on clothes. I wanted to explain how shopping with any child, and one with disabilities in particular, is difficult. A little compassion and understanding would have been appreciated.
Instead of returning to the store and saying my piece, I drove away. I couldn’t be trusted to speak to this person in a calm manner. Yelling at a stranger at an outlet mall was not on my outing agenda.
What would you have done? Walk away, head held high, knowing this person was not worth your time or approach her to explain why her rude behaviour wasn’t cool?
Edited to add: As I said, I don’t know this stranger’s story. Maybe she had a headache? Maybe she was having a bad/sad day. Perhaps she doesn’t like kids. Or the alphabet song? Maybe she was on a call. There are lots of reasons she may have reacted in that way. I totally get it. Especially now that I’m older myself and my patience isn’t as robust as it once was. She had every right to feel annoyed by us. But to be fair, we weren’t shouting or being crass. Avery’s volume was at a respectful “talking” level. I won’t allow shouting or screaming, ever. My misophonia can’t handle it. However, this person’s feelings were her feelings. However, it was the aggressive SHUSH that irked me. If she had said, “Excuse me, sounds like you’re having fun, but would you mind keeping it down?” Something to that affect would’ve been greeted by me with, “Oh my goodness. Sorry. Of course!” Easy peasy. Anyway, it was what it was. I was doing my best and her unsolicited aggression made me feel shamed and protective— a reaction fuelled by stress and exhaustion and exasperation.
Related: Advice From A Mom In The Middle
I love shopping so much. My favourite is going in the changing room at Old Navy. Daddy is taking me to the mall to buy new slippers. Kitty ones! I’m so excited.
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Lisa, I can empathize with you.
You are a hero – albeit a VERY FUNNY ONE.
I would have hit her with a hanger!!!
Aw, thank you. xo
Kids should be seen and not heard. Discipline your child or society will do it for you. Also, your kid should be in a home where they can be taken care of and not in public.
Fred – you are a stale ham sandwich of a human and you should be shushed for your limited thinking and ignorance. People like you shouldn’t be allowed to spew their venom and hostility and fear. I highly recommend anger management and a blow up doll.
As always you handle these people with grace. I don’t know how you do it. People like this and our buddy “Fred” are truly ignorant to the world around them.
As always you handle these people with grace. I don’t know how you do it. People like this and our buddy “Fred” are truly ignorant to the world around them.
I understand your frustration. I would’ve probably handled it the same as you, with sarcasm and anger, and walking away fuming. But, how I would like to handle these things is by not even letting it register in my mind in the first place so it doesn’t affect me or my child one bit.
I’ve found as a mom that I often internalize people’s comments to or about my kids as a slight on my parenting. For example, an older friend of mine once overheard my kids playing in the background and asked why they are up so late, and proceeded to me what time her kids used to go to bed. She probably meant well and was trying to tell me that I need to put them to bed so I can have me-time. But, at the time, it didn’t make me feel like a bad mom. There is a deep and hidden “mom shame” in me that makes me take comments more personally than I should.
Generally, when I am in public, I teach my kids to be mindful of their surroundings and others in their surroundings. For example, if they’re getting loud in the grocery store, I tell them to lower their voice because they’re in a public place. If they start running around in the store, I remind them that they’re not in a play space. When they were younger, I’d let them use the phone while I shopped but kept it on low volume. To me, it’s important that my kids grow up with an awareness of others who share public space with them, and be mindful of the impact their presence can have on those in that space. I don’t want my kids to feel like they are fully entitled to takeover whatever space they find themselves in, but rather to fully inhabit the part of it that they are in, while leaving room for others.
Oops…I should’ve proof-read that before posting…here’s the edited version:
I understand your frustration. I would’ve probably handled it the same as you, with sarcasm and anger, and walking away fuming. But, how I would like to handle these things is by not even letting it register in my mind in the first place so it doesn’t affect me or my child one bit.
I’ve found as a mom that I often internalize people’s comments to or about my kids as a slight on my parenting. For example, an older friend of mine once overheard my kids playing in the background and asked why they are up so late, and proceeded to tell me what time her kids used to go to bed. She probably meant well and was trying to tell me that I need to put them to bed so I can have me-time. But, at the time, it made me feel like a bad mom. There is a deep and hidden “mom shame” in me that makes me take comments more personally than I should.
Generally, when I am in public, I teach my kids to be mindful of their surroundings and others in their surroundings. For example, if they’re getting loud in the grocery store, I tell them to lower their voice because they’re in a public place. If they start running around in the store, I remind them that they’re not in a play space. When they were younger, I’d let them use the phone while I shopped but kept it on low volume. To me, it’s important that my kids grow up with an awareness of others who share public space with them, and be mindful of the impact their presence can have on those in that space. I don’t want my kids to feel like they are fully entitled to takeover whatever space they find themselves in, but rather to fully inhabit the part of it that they are in, while leaving room for others.
Hi Monica! Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I really appreciate it. I totally agree with you… we often take the opinions and unsolicited advise of strangers, very personally. And it’s awesome that you’re teaching your kids to be aware and considerate of others when they’re out in public. I think that’s great and so important! You nailed it with one word… entitled. There’s way too much of that nonsense now. Good on you mama! xo