Self-Care For Caregivers

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A “Hot Girl Summer” is fine, but a “Self-Care Summer” (or any season really) is what I’m striving for.

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My soon to be sixteen-year-old Avery will be going to camp, having adventures with her friends, swimming in her grandparent’s pool and generally soaking up all the sunshiney life experiences possible.

Meanwhile, I’ll be focussing on a massive project. It’s a biggie. A real fixer-upper with deep cracks to be filled and a new foundation to be laid. The project is complicated. The project is, me.

Self-care, self-help, shutting down, tuning out, tuning in…whatever you want to call it, our physical and mental health can always use some TLC.

Parents and caregivers of peeps with developmental disabilities or complex medical needs, are in particular danger of burning out. Throw in the chaos of social media and the demands and distractions of a noisy world, and… something has to give.

My brain has been yelling at me to slow down, reboot and refocus. And when your brain yells at you, your body backs it up, and they gang up to revolt against you.

This lengthy post is about ALL THE THINGS I’m trying to do to clear my mind and body of toxins; literal and figurative.

Here’s what a self care plan looks like for me.

Full disclosure: I am quick to jump on passing bandwagons, with every intention of remaining seated until the ride comes to a full and complete stop. However, I have a history of falling off bandwagons the minute they hit a bumpy patch of terrain.

However, I’m digging deep over here and hitching my wagon firmly to this plan with the intention of sticking it out.

Why?

I want to be a healthier, calmer, more relaxed person. For my kids, and for me. We only get one shot at life and it’s stupid not to even try to improve ourselves… even if we do fall off the occasional bandwagon and roll down a hill and land in a moist and thorny ditch.

** Some parts of this plan are new for me. While some are bandwagonny initiatives I’ve attempted over the years. I harvested some recaps from my old blog, dusted them off and repurposed them here as part of my new and improved levelled-up plan. I may have abandoned a few of these along the way, but I’m taking another stab at them with a more realistic and gentle attitude. Forty year old Lisa was way too, “all or nothing.” But, fifty-ish Lisa, who has embraced “progress over perfection” (I’m looking at you Gina), is going to do the best she can and not beat herself up for falling short here and there (eg. Having to restart her self-imposed “Karma Cleanse” three times and counting… ).

Six Areas of Focus For Your Self-Help Summer

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Without this skin sack we live in, the rest of this plan falls apart. So pay it some attention by walking, lifting weights, stretching, breathing, screaming and feeding your body what it needs. This isn’t anything new. But I made a cute graphic, so I’m going with it. Let’s unpack these, shall we?

Walk.

It’s not the one foot in front of the other part that trips me up. It’s making daily movement a priority and just getting out the door that messes me up. Early morning or after dinner, when it’s quiet and cool is my preferred walking window. Find a time that works for you and work it into your routine.

Lift.

Walking briskly (and occasionally wildly dancing around the kitchen) takes care of the cardio for me these days. Lifting weights daily—nothing too intense, I’m no Arnold Schwarzenegger over here, is a physical goal I’m aiming for. As we age, we lose muscle. I want it back, and then some! Find a quick and doable program—there a tons (weight lifting pun) on You Tube and all over the place for free. Find one you like, or make something up, and get pumping.

Stretch.

I actually squeak when I do certain physical movements now. And the sound I make going from sitting to standing? It’s unsettling. And let’s chat briefly about what I’m calling, “Social Media Shoulder.” I’m the rusty Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. Stretching has become essential. It’s not about being able to do cool TikTok video challenges. It’s about being able to get to the bathroom in the morning without breaking both ankles. Am I doing it daily? No. Because it hurts and it’s tedious. Am I making it this torture a priority during my self-help summer? Yes, because just typing this paragraph is hurting my damn shoulder.

Breathe.

Did you know humans have forgotten to how to breathe properly and as a result, our diaphragms have collectively started to atrophy? I have the book, Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art on hold at the library so I can learn more. But I’m waiting for my friend to finish it and give me a summary. But I won’t hold my breath. I’ve written about the anxiety reducing breathing exercises I do with my kids. From what I can gather, this book’s main take away is: breathe through your nose, deeply and evenly and stop catching flies with your mouth hanging open all the time (I’m speaking to myself).

Scream.

I’m more of a dreamer than a screamer. However, I’ve come to discover that screaming can have real benefits. A friend told me she uses “Scream Therapy” as a way to alleviate stress. You can read more about the origins and methodology of Primal Scream Therapy, but for my purposes, a few minutes of full on screaming every day gets some stress out and releases some lovely endorphins. However, be careful not to blow out your vocal cords. And definitely find a place to scream that won’t alarm family, pets or have your neighbour’s calling 911. Some people scream into a pillow. I find my car provides perfect noise insulation. Important Note: If you should happen to let a scream rip while driving on the highway, make sure your back windows are indeed rolled all the way up. Otherwise, a passing driver in a delivery truck will look over at you with extreme concern.

Be advised that a few hearty screams during your day IS NOT THERAPY. It doesn’t replace care by a legitimate therapist. Primal Therapy has actually been debunked by some. I’m simply saying, the scream part of Primal Therapy feels great.

THE SCIENTIFIC REASON YOU SHOULD BE SCREAMING FOR SELF-CARE

Feed Yourself Mindfully…. this is a biggy so it gets its own category below.

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If you have the joy of knowing me in real life (LOL!) then you’ve heard all about my “Livy Method Journey.” Even if you didn’t want to hear about it and glazed over or ran away. It’s just so life changing that I can’t help but scream it from the roof tops. Apologies to my neighbours. I’m getting good at this screaming thing. If you’re sick of doing weird shit to lose weight and if diet culture makes you rage (which it should because it’s toxic waste), then you’ll find Gina’s approach to a healthy relationship with food so refreshing and doable.

Nobody wants to be told what to do. Especially when it comes to how to eat. I’m not preaching or god forbid, MLMing you! I’m just a girl standing in front of a program, asking you to love it as much as I do. I’m not wearing my influencer pants. I’m not getting anything out of sharing this. Well, apart from better sleep, a hydrated bod and pants that don’t dig into my gut and try to kill me.

I’ve done a heap of diets over the years—from WW to the ridiculous “Military Diet” where you eat bizzaro foods like hotdog wieners for three days to drop ten pounds. I dropped the ten pounds all right. Then I promptly picked it back up and then some. As ya do because fad diets ARE NOT SUSTAINABLE!!!

Funny aside, I was at my daughter’s school dropping off her lunch (NOT hotdogs) while I was doing this daft Military diet and I ran into a friend. She was like, “Lisa… you look amazing. What are you doing?” So of course, because I didn’t know any better, I shared enthusiastically all about it. She looked me up and down, slowly shaking her head and said, “Wowwwww. You REALLY committed to it huh?” I just happened to be wearing camo capris, a green tank top and a khaki brimmed hat. Coincidence or just hella committed?

I’m joking around here a little, because have you met me? It’s my thing. But all joking aside… Quick fixes or restrictive diets and labelling food and our bodies as good or bad or fat or skinny… this is all unproductive, unnecessary and unhealthy.

*Trigger Warning… Disordered Eating.

My high school boyfriend convinced me I was fat. So I drastically restricted my eating. My spine poked through my shirt and the boy who sat behind me in math class called me Stegasauras. I took it as a compliment. How messed up is that? I had no energy and I was cold all the time. I over exercised and continued to lose weight to please my dumbass boyfriend—who had his own screwed up relationship with diet culture. He went to WW at the age of twelve with his older sister who promised to help him “fix the problem of his weight.” He vowed to never get fat again. Or to ever date a fat chick. Quite a catch. I got smaller and smaller until I nearly disappeared. But guess what? He dumped me anyway. And that was the best thing that could’ve happened.

I don’t want my daughter or any of the young people I love to ever see themselves as anything less than exactly the way they are meant to be. Perfect at any weight—confident and healthy in their bodies and minds.

ALL this to say, part of my Self Help Schedule is treating my body like the queen she is. And The LIVY METHOD is helping me do that. So, I’ll just leave this here. Check it out. Or don’t. But in either case, be kind to yourself and treat your body with the respect and love she/he/they deserve.

“Stick around for my extended notes…” (If you watch Gina’s daily check-ins that’ll make sense)

This is the schedule I TRY to adhere to. Part of being in tune with your body is listening to your body’s cues. Your bod doesn’t always stick to a colour coded list. However, having a visual guide stuck to my fridge was helpful when I first started out. If you want a copy of this free Canva template you can get it HERE.You don’t need a paid account to access this template. You can edit a copy suited to your own needs and schedule.

Gina Livy knows her stuff. Her distain for diet culture BS made me a fan from day one. If you’re sick of diets… LITERALLY, SICK and TIRED of restrictive, impossible to maintain, unhealthy and just absurdly antiquated diets, then Gina is who you’ve been searching for. My friend Pat friend introduced me to her program last spring and I signed up because why not? It’s $75. I’d spend that much on a fancy dinner out. EveryBODY needs to know about this program. Even if you don’t have weight to lose, learning to be in tune with your body and understand what it wants (spoiler alert: It wants water, sleep, nutrient rich food, stress management, and more movement) there are massive benefits to be gained from going through the twelve week process at least once.

Check out her website. Gina is the real deal. The Livy Method. It’s a revolution, baby!

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I used to be an avid reader. Now I have the attention span of a puppy. Thank you instantly gratifying social media for breaking my brain. If it’s longer than a brochure or more detailed than a leaflet, I just can’t. But I’m going to try. God willing, this summer I plan to read actual books. The paper-in-your-hand-kind. No iPads or Kindles or squinting to read on my phone. I can’t be trusted to read a book on my phone anyway. I’d read eleven words and then regain consciousness 128 Tiktok videos in without even knowing how I got there.

*NOTE TO SELF: Sitting outside and reading for 30 minutes is not self-indulgent. It is not a waste of valuable time. No, I shouldn’t be using this time to get other shit on my list done. This IS the shit. Self-Care is on the list.

Here’s what I’m reading (as mentioned in the podcast):

• How To Be Online & Also Be Happy by Issy Beech
• Everything Isn’t Terrible: Conquer Your Insecurities, Interrupt Your Anxiety, and Finally Calm Down by Dr. Kathleen Smith
• 10% Happier: How I tamed the Voice In My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works – a true story by Dan Harris
• Tired As Fuck: Burn Out At The Hands of Diet, Self-help and Hustle culture by Caroline Dooner
• And then of course, some random trashy smut of some kind. Obviously. I’m open to suggestions…

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I wrote this gem back in June, 2012. When I created this “Kleanse” a few friends became pretty annoyed with me for refusing to engage in gossip or any kind of “woe is me” talk. No shocker, but those friends are no longer in my life. Byeeeeeee!

Here’s How To Do A Karma Cleanse

I originally called this exercise a #KarmaKleanse, with a K, but then remembered that purposely using incorrect spelling to be cute annoys some people and god knows I wouldn’t want to annoy anyone and have them sarcastically tweet about how “Some people think they’re so clever using two ks.”

The degree of back stabbing and gossip and passive aggressive posts online is astounding. Whether you choose to participate or feed into it is totally up to you however. If you swim with sharks, you’re bound to get bitten. This is why I prefer dolphins and super cute seahorses.

I do some ghost writing (not as scary as it sounds) and manage the social media end of things for brands which means I’m kicking around on social media a lot. I am immersed in it — the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. And the ugly has exploded lately. 

This growing negativity doesn’t exist just online. It’s everywhere—at the grocery store, in the park, in the school parking lot, in the news. We can’t seem to get out from under the heavy black cloud of negative ions (science thingy) hanging over our heads.

And what’s hanging over MY head? Not a halo I assure you. I am no angel, but I strive to be better. Hence the need for the occasional Karma Cleanse.

Negativity and mean spirited banter is contagious—mob mentality takes over. It’s instinctual. I think I learned that in science class too. Some call it venting; necessary for your mental health to some degree, but I call it enough already.

It’s challenging enough trying to stay happy and focused without taking on the myriad of issues (both real and imagined) of others. That’s why taking a break is necessary. After a catty chat (which is WHOLLY satisfying in its juiciness at the time) I feel small. And guilty. And if I’m gossiping, what are people saying about me?? Nobody likes a mean girl. Unless you live in Hollywood where mean girls seem to be rather fashionable.

Last year I had one of my ridiculous “life improvement” biz ideas. I was going to make and market ‘Bitter Beads’ — to be worn on a bracelet or strung on a “Negativity Necklace.” Oh yes, I had it all worked out. The beads could be snapped off or slid over every time you said or did something negative; the goal being to get through an entire day without losing a single bead. As per usual, it never got past the idea stage. I’m more of a planner than a do-er.

Bitter beads aside, here’s what I’m doing this week for my Karma Kleanse (screw it, I’m using two ks!).  Feel free to join me!

Karma Kleanse How-To: 

• Commit to giving this your best effort for seven days. (Do not start if there’s a party coming up and you plan on drinking heavily.)
• Actively avoid gossip or catty behaviour for the entire week.
• Do not click online links or participate in any URL or IRL chatter that is negative or mean or bitchy or rude.
• Do not watch The Real Housewives of any city.
• Avoid all things tabloidy or click baity.
• Look (Really look! Put on your reading glasses if you have to) for the positive in any given situation.
• Don’t yell at other drivers or flip them the bird (struggling here).
• No muttering under your breath. (I tend to mutter Oh, FFS under my breath all day long.)
• Be grateful for what you have. There is always something to be grateful for.
• Be kind whenever you can. 
• Be generous. 
• Include others as often as possible. 
• Lead by example. 
• Let it go. 
• Dole out sincere compliments.
• Before you make a critical comment, stop and ask yourself why you feel the need to do so. 
• Be honest. 
• Live and let live. 
• Cut out the drama. Unless you’re in a play, then in that case, really go for it. 
• When people try to suck you in (and they will) hang up the phone, plug your ears, run away — do not engage!

Kheers to good karma! Okay, that didn’t work at all. Sometimes two KKs really isn’t cute.

** Updated July 25, 2022. Today is day one of my Karma Cleanse (I actually started it July 7th but some shizz went down and I wasn’t very zen about it. Soooo, this is my third attempt.). As I sat out on my deck to enjoy lunch in the sun, my diagonal behind us neighbours suddenly blasted their music. Really awful music. I tried to stay in my peaceful head space. I breathed deeply and wished them well. I tried to find some beauty in the pounding beat. I channelled my rising displeasure into a text to a neighbour who I actually like. She agreed with my annoyance and for a fleeting moment I felt validated and soothed. But it was short lived. As the music blasted on I tried counting to ten, took a few deep cleansing breaths and then… I fucking snapped. I jumped up onto the trampoline ladder and leaned in toward their yard and “two finger whistled” shrilly in their direction. The music stopped. Victorious, I felt satisfied though somewhat ashamed by my outburst. But, it was worth the temporary glitch in my zen. I could hear the wind in the trees and the water flowing in our fountain. Maybe aggression is the answer? (Kidding… it’s not. It never is.) Unfortunately, this peaceful retrieve came to an abrupt end when the music started up again. Only louder this time. I cut my losses, muttered my trademark FFS under my breath and went inside.

*** Update to my update. I’m back outside happily working again. But now I’m wearing headphones and listening to Brown Noise to cancel out the music and the mother yelling her son’s name every ten seconds.

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Originally Published June 12, 2012… And the struggle continues a decade later! WHY IS POURING LIQUID DOWN OUR THROATS SO CHALLENGING??

**However, back to Gina Livy again if I may… Ha! Try and stop me. LOL! A key element of The LIVY METHOD is hydration. “Hi, dration. Nice to meet you.”

Anyway, I digress. (And digest better than ever.) Here’s the story…

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Gator skin, flakey fingernails that won’t grow beyond the boundaries of their nail beds, hair resembling a wheat field at harvest time… I’m in the midst of a dry spell.

What could be missing from my daily routine that could be responsible for this desperately dry situation?

I drink at least one glass of water a day so…. oh wait. Mystery solved.

Our bodies are 70% water so I’m guessing it’s a tad important. I like water (especially with a little squeeze of lemon) so I’m at a loss as to why I’ve been avoiding it. 

I have decided to end this drought and made a plan to liquify my assets so-to-speak and came up with this… My Mandate to Hydrate. I vow to sip water all day, every day for a week, and then *graph my results.

On the first day, when my teeth started floating (and I wet my pants, twice), I knew I had H2Overdosed.

On day Two, I sipped water more sensibly throughout the day (not madly gulping tumblers-full like a college freshmen at a Kegger like Day one). By lights out I had consumed about nine glasses of water. I felt good; maybe a little bloated, but in a “my tummy sounds like a waterbed” sort of way, not in a “I drank a bottle of wine, ate a burrito the size of my head” kind of way. There’s a difference.

By Day Three I noticed a slight change in my skin—it looked less like crepe paper and more like legit human skin. Also, my energy level seemed to have increased.

Other benefits I noticed were less cravings and a non negotiable reason to get up from sitting (to fill my water glass or pee) which provides a forced stretch and gets the circulation going. I assure you, I’m not in my nineties, it just sounds like it.

Working from home I get so absorbed in what I’m doing, I often forget to get up and move around. Many WAHMs have been found by their partners, fused to their home office chairs, petrified. It’s very sad.

One thing I didn’t expect was that the more water I drank, the more I wanted. I wonder if perhaps my body, now quenched, got a taste of what it had been missing and greedily hungered for more fearing the “rainy season” may end at any time. It’s a theory, but I don’t think it holds water.

Sorry. I seem to pun even more when properly hydrated.

Anyway, I’ve tasted the benefits of this mandate and I don’t plan on returning to my parched ways any time soon.

The only downside? The peeing, obviously. So much pee. If I had a flow chart I could better illustrate this point. Get it, flow chart?

[I used to use a digital water intake tracking app called Drink Right. I mistyped it in a text once as Dink Right and nearly died laughing. If you laugh too hard with a full bladder, urine for some trouble! ]

But the tides soon turned. On Day One, I saw a lot of the inside of my bathroom door (when I actually remembered to close it). But by around Day Seven, my body learned to regulate the situation. Once you get through that first week, you’re good to go! (though not in your pants anymore). LOL!

Feel free to join this mandate—if only to be able to say Mandate to Hydrate…it’s fun, right?

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And here we are. This is the final and trickiest, for me, part of this self designed, self-help summer program.

If you want me, you can pretty much have me, any time. I guess that makes me easy. But also difficult, according to some. I’m an enigma.

Phone me, and I’ll answer. Send me an email and I’ll respond or at least read it pretty darn quick. Tag me, DM me, text me….any way you want it baby, I’m your tweet and call girl. 

But those days are coming to an end. There are just too many demands and too little time to fit it all in. In order to stay focused and be more effectively productive, things need to change. Starting with, making myself less available.

For the record, I have answered the phone TWICE while writing this, answered THREE DMs, responded to a text and checked my email FIVE times. I am a work in progress.

Here are some strategies to limit people’s access to me.

Putting a protective shield around my time, means I can choose where and when to purposefully spend my time.

• Don’t Answer The Phone. Not that anybody really phones anymore. But if they do, we don’t have to answer. Let calls go to voicemail. I’ve told family and close friends, if they need me, to call back immediately a second time. This will indicate the call is important or timely, and I’ll pick up.

• Streamline Email. First of all, don’t check it so often. There’s never anything there that can’t wait a few hours. Delete as many newsletters, brand emails and spammy subscriptions as possible.

• Swap out URL for IRL Face Time. Instead of multiple texts and Dms back and forth, skip them completely and opt for a real life hang out, like a “Power Hour.” This is something we started doing during the pandemic. We called it a Power Hour because it’s literally a ONE hour visit. Bring your own water or tea or snacks or whatever and meet for a face to face visit. The BYOB eliminates hosting responsibilities and the one hour limit ensures your time is respected and protected. Or, plan to walk at the same time as a friend, and talk on the phone as you both get your steps in.

• Reset Expectations. People are used to having pretty much immediate access to you. So, when you suddenly change the rules, there might be some hurt feelings or push back. But, hold your ground you big suck (I’m speaking to myself). If you explain to people close to you what you’re doing and why it matters to you, if they care about you and your health, they’ll understand and support you. And if they don’t? BLOCK. Sorry Aunt Karen.

• Add More Tech To Get Away From Tech. Sounds counterintuitive, I know. But here’s what I’ve found as a parent of a child with complex medical needs… I am tied to my phone. Legitimately. If the school calls because my daughter is having an issue, they must be able to quickly contact me. This fact helps me justify having my phone at arms length 24/7. However, I can’t justify bringing my phone with me into the bathroom so I can watch Tiktoks. I can also no longer justify picking up my phone and mindlessly checking Instagram DMs randomly throughout the day. My phone has morphed from an essential communication tool to a problematic appendage. Enter, my new Apple Watch. I’ve been adamantly opposed to Smart Watches from the get go. But I’ve since changed my tune a little. Are they ludicrously over priced? Yes. Do I think it’s healthy to be wearing radioactive Wi-Fi on your body? Not really. But has my Apple Watch set me free? Yes, a little. Now I can leave my phone in it’s charging station in the kitchen all day long. If I should get a phone call or text from the school, or from my son or husband, my wrist will buzz. The real beauty is that I can’t easily read or respond to texts on my watch. If it’s something important, I’ll get my phone and do my business. Otherwise, I can ignore it and carry on with my day. Additionally, it’s impossible (at least, for me and my rudimentary understanding of this tech) to check Instagram or Facebook or any other noisy social media platforms on my watch. So that distracting temptation is automatically removed. FREEDOM!

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Are you a glass half-empty or a glass half-full kind of person? My glass virtually spills over in the stellar family and friend department. Professional opportunities are plentiful and generally I want for nothing. Life is pretty damn good.

Pandemic and world politics aside, I’m not sure how pessimism, fear and negativity have seeped into my thoughts.

I’ve been told the trauma associated with parenting a child with medical challenges can take a toll. I believe this to be true.

I also believe that living more online can negatively influence our perspective.

Whatever the reason, I’ve noticed a few more glass half-empty days lately. And I don’t like it one bit. This chick likes her glass filled right up to the brim thank you very much. *clink*

So, self-help summer it is! Let’s do this thing!

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